Climbing with Jason has been awesome and I am looking forward to the remaining two days we have together.

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Today was our first day out together so we kept it pretty casual for the first bit then after a decent warm up we started working on my project together.

This route has been my nemesis since February 2012 and while I was able to do all of the moves, I was unable to link them all in a single push without falling. I tried Saturday to go for it and while I dusted off the cobwebs I was still unable to send.

I felt utterly defeated and got in my head. Fear of falling is a lot harder to block out when you’re using a rope because you’re constantly reminded that its a very real possibility.

This route is very personal to me. And climbing is a deeply personal. I know that even without sending this route I would have a great deal of support and love for completing 365 days consecutively.

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But I want this. I want it for me. I am not content to push only the limits that others have or perceive. I have to push MY limits or I am just acting.

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Fear is real. Fear is something I am dealing with a lot. I try to hide it sometimes and stack the deck in my favor so I can cheat around it. But unless I confront and overcome my “adversary” there can be no progress.

Climbing, diabetes, heights…these are just masks worn by our fear. We must be responsible to fight that fear or else we are living our lives in muted colors. The summit, the “send” are arbitrary things we compete for–the growth is in breaking through barriers.

So this route has tested me. It will test me more until I choose to break through. I came very close today while working the route with Jason. I panicked and doubted myself. I wanted to hang. My forearms were flamed and my head was rattled. I was about to give up and he yelled up to me “no, keep going”.

So I did. Not very far but I made it to the next bolt and a couple moves after. I didn’t obliterate the “wall” in my mind but I put a few big cracks in it. I pushed myself farther physically on a lead climb than I have yet.

I’m ready to take the next steps.