I’ve known that this day would come for several months. I put it off–out of sight, out of mind. Ish. Now I am sitting here trying to figure out how I feel about Stef leaving with less than 12 hours until she is off and I am…well…still here. Like most things in life, this isn’t going to fit in a nice little cookie cutter explanation template. So to hell with simplicity and brevity! Let’s roll up our sleeves and get to it!
I am really happy about this job that Stef got. This didn’t come about from some mutual disillusionment or a sudden realization on our part that the easiest path to matrimonial bliss may not lie in the heart of the wilderness or several pitches up El Capitan. Project 365 isn’t our first rodeo (as those of you who know us well are aware) and we have spent many many months living out of minimalist vehicles, eating one pot meals off of single burner stoves. We’ve gotten rained on in tents, infiltrated by rodents, dug our share of catholes and had all our clothing and gear stolen by meth-heads.
When we headed out to San Diego in 2011 we had already faced all of the challenges of living on the road–except one. The challenge of being apart. This is one frontier that we have not conquered in six years since we first met. Last summer was the first time we had been apart when I traveled out west with another partner, Trevor, to shoot some footage for the Project 365 trailer and Stef stayed behind to hold down the fort.
That was a tough month for me–but I knew that I would be able to come back home and life would go back to normal. Commitment has been a key part of this project and leaving our home behind was a big step–leaving and knowing that whatever happened, we didn’t have anywhere to come back to. It simplified things in a somewhat harsh manner. Now this commitment level is being increased as my most personal attachment, my best friend will be thousands of miles away.
Spending significant periods of time alone really messes with your head. I don’t mean a weekend alone in front of the TV. I mean weeks away from a semblance of civilized life where you forget what conversation feels like or when you last even spoke. I’ve been there before, but always with the expectation of an “end point” or some return to normalcy. Now this end point has been moved forward indefinitely and that is something I have to figure out. I have always been a neurotic, OCD head case, but having someone else to bounce ideas off of, to share the load, to balance me out…to calm me down…helped.
I know that this is all part of “the experience”. I know that being pushed is the basis of this project. I know that this job (of Stef’s) is a good decision and I know I will accomplish things in the next few months that will change our life forever. I also know that I don’t live my life in months, even though these blogs and videos may be deceptive in that regard. What may look magnificent measured in months is often a compilation of many desperate minutes. This is life, this is happening–ready or not.
To clarify, I am not at the end of my rope. I am not unsure if this change is necessary or will ultimately be beneficial. I’m facing a massive deconstruction of every last source of normalcy in my life (with the exception of my blood sugar, that has actually been cooperative…) and at this point, I can honestly say that I have no idea how I am going to make this work. Uncertain outcome? Check. You wanted adventure, well that about sums it up.
I want all of our readers know that their support, their ability to see and remind us of the big picture that we are all working to create–that is the light at the end of the tunnel and we are both very very thankful for you all.